Looking forward

The other day I was walking through the mall with my mother, we'd gone on a mother-daughter-shopping-bonding-spree. As we were talking we both noticed this beautiful child, a little girl, couldnt be more than 1 year old, new to the walking business and in a cute red dress. She was running (or attempting to, probably tottering would be a better description), and looking behind her. An older boy (who I assumed was her brother) was running after her making scary faces and playing mock-catch with her. All the time she was looking behind her and I guess she was acting it, but she had a horrified look on her face and tried to run faster. And as is the case with all toddlers she tripped on her own feet and fell down. But before she hit the floor, a man caught her. I assumed the man to be her father because as she was being lifted up, a childish look of amazement came up on her face and when she saw her savior, a huge grin lifted the corners of her mouth and she let out the cutest childish giggle I'd heard in a while.

Then it hit me...most of us are just like that little girl, looking behind us at all the things that scare/hurt/bother us. We forget to look in front of us and we stumble. Some of us are lucky to have saviors that pick us up before we fall and hurt ourselves, others aren't so lucky.

You might be wondering where all that fits into feeling sick. Again, I will be speaking from my own experience, and I might be generalising but bear with me please! I told you about how sick I'd felt and how many doctors I'd seen. And yes I'd gotten over it, and now I know what's wrong, blah blah. But I have to be honest and admit, I'm always scared. They say the mind does not keep vivid memories of pain. You know you felt terrible when you had that (fit in whatever incident in your life has given you the most excurciating experience you ever had), but which if you can honestly REMEMBER what it was like, bring it back again? You can't! They say that's one way mothers can give birth again, because their memories of labor pains aren't as vivid as the real thing. And that's obviously a good thing. But sometimes it's not so good.

After my diagnosis, and after I went gluten free, a lot of my symptoms got better, notably the pain. It receded, and rarely popped in to visit. But I was still scared. A little bit of pain or feeling unwell would send me back to my bubble. I was so scared of feeling bad again that I would stress over it. And generally the stress made things worse; if I'd ignored that feeling it would have been there for maybe 10-15 mins before it went away. But stress is the food of many physical (and mental) ailments. Plus, in my head all that was the trigger for even worse things to come. And I just shut myself away.

Before I got sick, I was fairly social. I won't say I was a party animal, but i liked to hang out with my friends. Whenever a plan was in motion I was involved in it, or was following it and going out. When I got sick, I just didn't know what to tell people. The "I'm not feeling well" card had gone way beyond it's expiry date, and I didn't know what to tell the people around me. I didn't even know what was wrong! Plus, in our society, pain is an irrelevant thing, you have to rise above it and "stop being such a baby" (but more on that in another blog). I won't say that was what was said to me, but I felt like people were thinking that. I felt others thought I was craving for attention. So I just closed up, locked myself in a small sphere and only allowed a handful of people in. I declined invitations from friends to go out, I really wasn't feeling well and on the rare occassions when I was I just didn't feel upto going out. Slowly, the circle of people around me dwindled. And it is my fault, I admit it.

Now that I am better, and that I can go out and not be plagued with fatigue and pain I still haven't reconnected with the people I lost along the way. One, I was embarrassed (still am actually) that I let them go, and didn't share what was happening to me with them. Two, a part of me still fears a relapse, and I don't feel upto declining all offers I get all over again. Three, I'm still healing, both physically and emotionally. I need sometime alone to understand, be grateful, and to figure out how I'm going to go about things now. I know its been more than a month since my diagnosis but it hasn't been an uneventful one. That is something I would prefer not to share at this moment of time. This is why I hadn't blogged anything for a while.

I've been looking behind me all this time, terrified of all that had plagued me. And I tripped, I'm still on the floor actually, but I am slowly getting up and looking forward. I haven't found my savior yet, but there isn't anything in front of me that scares me, so I guess I will look forward and deal with things as they come.

There isn't much of a thought of the day. But let me tell you, looking behind makes you miss out on many good things and blessings that come your way. What I'd been missing out on? I hadn't had a seriously bad day (one which I needed to stay in bed, felt miserable in, or one in which I had to cancel plans with the friends that are around me), in more than 2 to 3 weeks now (Knocks on every wood surface in the vicinity!). And I only realized that yesterday! So look ahead, and look all the good things straight in the face and ENJOY them!!!

The Silver Lining

People always talk about the brighter side of things, of looking at that silver lining, and most of the time it's just a bunch of nonsense coming out of people who don't know better. I do. I've been through the darkest clouds and the raging storms. And I've survived it! I came out to tell you that there IS a silver lining somewhere.

I won't preach and tell you to look around you and to search for it, because again, that's just a bunch of C***. You know those silver linings? You don't find them, they find you, and in the most unexpected ways too! You'll look at me and ask, what are your silver linings? You've got CD! Bring me the cheerful aspect of that little condition (and you'd probably say it sarcastically). My blog, this blog, is a silver lining. At least I see it that way! I love to talk, I love to learn new things, and I love sharing what I learn with the people around me. Admittedly, I never thought I'd be educating people about a health condition, but that's a start.

I've also began taking better care of my health, and not in that "I-want-to-look-like-the-model-in-the-magazine-way". I genuinely care about what I eat, when I eat and how well my body deals with what I eat. And it's not just about the gluten, it's about everything that I do eat. I don't think I would have ever done this SERIOUSLY if I hadn't gotten ill. In the past I dabbled a bit with healthy eating and what-not, but never stuck to it seriously because I never really had anything to worry about. People all around me were eating anything and everything, processed refined stale food and they were doing well. I was 20, what did I have to worry about?

It takes a lot to get to the silver lining, allow me to regale you with one of my tales in search of gluten-free food. I find that story funny now; wasn't so funny to me back then.

It was the very first time I went food-shopping, gluten-free food shopping. I was back home in Abu-Dhabi and was lucky enough to have a friend, Fadi, to help me out. I really wasn't sure where to start! We hopped on to Abella, a hypermarket that carries a lot of western products which we assumed be a safe start. We get out of the car, and walk into the place. Fadi goes up to the clerk and asks, " Is there a gluten-free food section here?". The clerk looks confused and replies, " Sir, you mean glue?". Most people would find that hilarious and would probably burst out laughing. Most people do when I tell them the story now. GLUE? In food???

Anyhow, we undersood that we were going to have a long shopping spree and that things were not as simple as we first thought. There was no special food section. We just had to hunt, literally, in the aisles. The gluten-free foodswere hidden in between all the regular ones. Now I understood what my nutritionist meant when she said "LABELS! Always read them". It took us around an hour to buy a bunch of stuff, and I'm not talking major food items, just crackers and the like. Our next stop was Spinney's, another hypermarket similar to Abella. And the same scenario was repeated. It was really morale deflating, and again, I only came with a couple of things, most of them being snacks and some rice-noodles. My food bill that day tipped 500 dhs. That's a lot of money for nothing much. It's also depressing to know that food shopping wasn't going to be easy anymore.

But in all honesty having Fadi by my side took off a lot of the pressure. I will admit, I was embarrassed, I felt like a freak. And I didn't want to be seen as that sick girl, and he went around asking for me. He kept telling me it would be ok, that I would find things I could eat, that I will eventually fall into a pattern and be comfortable with my condition. Just hearing those words was a relief, because no matter how much you think them just hearing somebody else saying them validates them to you. At least that's what happened to me

That is my other silver lining. Finding out what my friends were like. Discovering all that compassion and understanding and patience in the people that surround you. I don't know about you, but I generally took my friends for granted. I didn't really get to know them, I just knew their basic qualities but never went in depth. And now I do, now I know WHO they are. It's true that sometimes you discover things that aren't that great in people, and sometimes that means that you two can;t be friends anymore and that has happened with me. But for every 1 ex-friend I have I've got 3 who have steadfastly remained at my side, who I know will support me no matter what.


So thank you Fadi, and thank you Friends, you are the biggest silver lining anybody could wish for!

And the though of the day is: Don't hunt down your silver linings. They'll be looking for you, and they WILL find you! Just be patient and live through the turbulence that life throws your way. Mourn, feel sad, but don't let tha destroy you. Once you and the silver lining meet, you'll be all the much stronger!

I am not a Saint

If you've read my previous posts you would probably decipher from the language that I am not resenting the fact that I have CD. You would probably read and think that I am very accepting of my situation and that I am reacting well, maybe too well some might think. But let me tell you it wasn't always so.

When I initially got diagnosed I wasn't aware of the depths and compliations of gluten-free eating. I was just happy that I finally had a label for whatever it was that was causing me to be ill. I think my doctor (the gastroentoelogist who diagnosed me with CD) was misinformed. When he broke the news to me, he said I would have to go gluten-free for only 6 month to allow my gut to heal but that after that I would be allowed to eat foods that contained gluten in small amounts so as not to trigger the reactions in my body. In my head I thought "Ok,that kinda sucks. But it's not so bad". Then I went to my nutritionist, Dr. Rana and that's when I realized just how serious CD is. I told about what my doctor had told me, but before I could even finish the sentence she interrupted me, "Absolutely NOT! You should never have any foods that contain gluten ever again. And I mean nothing at all". I was a bit shocked when she'd told me that, but then that shock turned to wonder as she explained to me why exactly she'd told me that (look at my previous post "What DO I eat" for further details".

I left the nutritionist in a daze. Let me tell you one thing about me. I'm not squeamish or queasy, nor am I afraid of taking radical decisions. If a doctor would've told me that they would have to remove my stomach but that I could lead a normal life after that I wouldn't have thought twice about it. But what I was being told is that I have a life-long condition that I have to be very careful with, and that if I slipped up I would get sick again. There was no medication to fix that and no way around it. And that made me angry.

For a while I played the "It's not so bad" card, and the "it could've been worse" one as well. Outside I was smiling, telling people I was fine. But from the inside I was upset. I was an emotional roller-coaster, believing what I was saying at times, and feeling like I was putting a mask at others. I remember one outburst I had with a friend, he was joking about my condition (in attempts to make me feel better) and I was smiling but from the inside I wasn't seeing the humorous side of things. Finally I bursted out "You don't know what it's like. I'm 23, I shouldn't be obsessing about what I eat! I shouldn't be worried that if I eat something wrong I might be getting cancer! Do you know what the rest of your life is when you're 23?!!". I will admit, I was bitter and angry. I was lucky that my friend was sympathetic and was not offended by what I'd said.

I'm better now, I have accepted what I have. I've also began seeing the brighter side of things. But for me to get to where I am now I had to go through mourning. Yes, mourning, there is no other word to describe it. At first it's the shock of the diagnosis. Then it's the anger resentment, then you move on to the depression and finally when you've hit rock-bottom, when you've drained out all of the negativity you begin to accept it. With that acceptance comes the realization that you either do nothing and just "exist" or you try to make things better for yourself. This blog of mine is one of those things.

I've discovered that one of the best ways to finally let go of all the anger and the bitterness is for the people around you to be aware of your condition (and hopefully understanding of it as well). You don't want to go through the frustration of why you can't eat the salad sprinkled with bread crumbs or why you won't be having a bite of the birthday cake and so on and so forth over and over again. I have been lucky to be surrounded by understanding people who, even if they don't quite believe what I say, never push me to eat things I refuse to eat. My mother has been researching CD in her spare time and called me a couple of days ago to tell me she will be trying out new soup recipes in hopes of finding some that are gluten-free AND taste good. She has also banished Maggi as a cooking stock (yes, Maggi is one those well-hidden gluten sources!).

I had to go all the day down before I could go up. I no longer feel bad when the people around me are digging into their breaded, fried, gluten filled food (ok, I'm lying I do feel the occassional tinge, but nothing serious). I actually throw jokes about my condition nowadays, and do not feel bad about it. I have learned to say no to things that harm me without feeling embarassed or feeling like a freak. The best of all? I can honestly say I am not angry anymore, if anything I am grateful that what I have is CD. And I am happy to be talking about this to all of you!