I am not a Saint

If you've read my previous posts you would probably decipher from the language that I am not resenting the fact that I have CD. You would probably read and think that I am very accepting of my situation and that I am reacting well, maybe too well some might think. But let me tell you it wasn't always so.

When I initially got diagnosed I wasn't aware of the depths and compliations of gluten-free eating. I was just happy that I finally had a label for whatever it was that was causing me to be ill. I think my doctor (the gastroentoelogist who diagnosed me with CD) was misinformed. When he broke the news to me, he said I would have to go gluten-free for only 6 month to allow my gut to heal but that after that I would be allowed to eat foods that contained gluten in small amounts so as not to trigger the reactions in my body. In my head I thought "Ok,that kinda sucks. But it's not so bad". Then I went to my nutritionist, Dr. Rana and that's when I realized just how serious CD is. I told about what my doctor had told me, but before I could even finish the sentence she interrupted me, "Absolutely NOT! You should never have any foods that contain gluten ever again. And I mean nothing at all". I was a bit shocked when she'd told me that, but then that shock turned to wonder as she explained to me why exactly she'd told me that (look at my previous post "What DO I eat" for further details".

I left the nutritionist in a daze. Let me tell you one thing about me. I'm not squeamish or queasy, nor am I afraid of taking radical decisions. If a doctor would've told me that they would have to remove my stomach but that I could lead a normal life after that I wouldn't have thought twice about it. But what I was being told is that I have a life-long condition that I have to be very careful with, and that if I slipped up I would get sick again. There was no medication to fix that and no way around it. And that made me angry.

For a while I played the "It's not so bad" card, and the "it could've been worse" one as well. Outside I was smiling, telling people I was fine. But from the inside I was upset. I was an emotional roller-coaster, believing what I was saying at times, and feeling like I was putting a mask at others. I remember one outburst I had with a friend, he was joking about my condition (in attempts to make me feel better) and I was smiling but from the inside I wasn't seeing the humorous side of things. Finally I bursted out "You don't know what it's like. I'm 23, I shouldn't be obsessing about what I eat! I shouldn't be worried that if I eat something wrong I might be getting cancer! Do you know what the rest of your life is when you're 23?!!". I will admit, I was bitter and angry. I was lucky that my friend was sympathetic and was not offended by what I'd said.

I'm better now, I have accepted what I have. I've also began seeing the brighter side of things. But for me to get to where I am now I had to go through mourning. Yes, mourning, there is no other word to describe it. At first it's the shock of the diagnosis. Then it's the anger resentment, then you move on to the depression and finally when you've hit rock-bottom, when you've drained out all of the negativity you begin to accept it. With that acceptance comes the realization that you either do nothing and just "exist" or you try to make things better for yourself. This blog of mine is one of those things.

I've discovered that one of the best ways to finally let go of all the anger and the bitterness is for the people around you to be aware of your condition (and hopefully understanding of it as well). You don't want to go through the frustration of why you can't eat the salad sprinkled with bread crumbs or why you won't be having a bite of the birthday cake and so on and so forth over and over again. I have been lucky to be surrounded by understanding people who, even if they don't quite believe what I say, never push me to eat things I refuse to eat. My mother has been researching CD in her spare time and called me a couple of days ago to tell me she will be trying out new soup recipes in hopes of finding some that are gluten-free AND taste good. She has also banished Maggi as a cooking stock (yes, Maggi is one those well-hidden gluten sources!).

I had to go all the day down before I could go up. I no longer feel bad when the people around me are digging into their breaded, fried, gluten filled food (ok, I'm lying I do feel the occassional tinge, but nothing serious). I actually throw jokes about my condition nowadays, and do not feel bad about it. I have learned to say no to things that harm me without feeling embarassed or feeling like a freak. The best of all? I can honestly say I am not angry anymore, if anything I am grateful that what I have is CD. And I am happy to be talking about this to all of you!